


Night Thoughts

by jdjunkie



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Post-Series, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-03-18
Packaged: 2017-11-02 03:32:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdjunkie/pseuds/jdjunkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s come to an acceptance of who he is, of his failings as well as his achievements. Daniel has had a lot to do with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [buefo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/buefo/gifts).



Daniel sleeps the sleep of the dead.

Jack doesn’t think too closely about the irony of that.

Sometimes, when Daniel falls asleep, it’s instantaneous. It’s usually when he’s working too hard and stressed and when even good sex can’t stop him over-thinking every damn thing. The two of them can be propped up in bed, armed with books and laptops, talking about something, anything, more likely nothing, and he’ll suddenly go quiet. His brain just switches off. It’s like it says, “ _Okay, I’m done. I can’t go on following these ridiculously convoluted elliptical thought patterns for a single second longer. Time to shut down.”_

Tonight _,_ he falls asleep in the middle of a conversation about vacations. Jack, with his dodgy knees and incipient arthritis, wants somewhere warm; Daniel favors a stay-at-home working vacation, which, Jack is quick to point out, is not a vacation at all.

“Too much to do,” Daniel says, tap, tap tapping.

“Wouldn’t you rather do me?” Jack responds.

Daniel kicks him beneath the sheet, eyes never leaving the laptop screen.

“I want sand, sea and sex,” Jack says.

“How about sofa, sushi and self-abuse?”

Jack kicks him, eyes never leaving the latest Ludlum.

“God. Mom always warned me not to hook up with a workaholic. My mom knew a thing or two.”

When no riposte is forthcoming, Jack knows it’s happened again.

He looks across and sees Daniel’s head tilted back against the pillow, mouth slightly open, fingers still caressing the keyboard. He rolls out of bed and walks around to Daniel’s side. Gently pulling the computer away, he hits save and close and puts it on Daniel’s bedside table. Then he leans in and takes Daniel’s glasses off, placing them on the closed laptop. Daniel doesn’t stir, so Jack eases the pillow down, cradling Daniel’s head. Daniel does move a little then, so Jack’s hands encourage Daniel onto his side, supporting and guiding. Daniel shuffles, still fast asleep, until he’s comfortable.

Jack settles him like this regularly. It fills him with delight that, even deeply asleep, Daniel knows and trusts Jack’s touch. Awake, Daniel doesn’t generally seek out _anyone’s_ touch, but he knows Jack’s hands. It’s comforting to Jack. It’s pretty much the kind of intimacy he’s been craving his whole life. He had it all too briefly with Sara and lost it, so he appreciates it all the more this time round.

Jack O’Neill craves emotional intimacy as much as he desires physical closeness.

Who knew?

Jack slides slowly, quietly, back into bed and onto his side. He arranges the pillow to his satisfaction and snuggles in to steal a few moments of precious Daniel-watching.

Daniel is graying at the temples and there are flecks of white in his sideburns. Distinguished, Jack thinks. Ageing, Daniel posits. Funnily enough, they had the reverse debate for years as Jack’s hair turned from brindle to gray. Daniel’s frown lines, so noticeable when he’s awake and worrying over work, smooth out in sleep. He’s lost weight these past few frantically busy months and there is definition to his cheekbones. His beard, also graying, still harbors tinges of red. The passing years are only deepening the love Jack has for him. He’s beautiful. And, just for now, he’s allowed to drink Daniel in without being accused of sappiness. The only downside of Daniel being asleep is that Jack can’t see his eyes.  He loves his eyes; so expressive and clear. He can’t hide anything from Jack.

But secrets hide behind closed lids.

_What are your secrets, Daniel? Where do you go to when sleep lets your mind roam free? Do you run to her? Do you find her, in your dreams, walking the sands of Abydos as she did back when you lived and loved there? Do you still want her?_

Jack swallows hard, tears forming hot and unbidden. He hasn’t thought of Sha’uri in a long time. He’s a little ashamed of that. He knows Daniel still loves her, just as Daniel knows a part of Jack will always love Sara.

Daniel’s loss is a living thing; he carries it with him as part of his armor to this day. It shows itself in private, haunted moments that Jack sees and acknowledges. But he doesn’t pry. Daniel loves and trusts him enough to come to him if he needs to.

Jack dreams of Sara, sometimes, of the strong, capable, drily-funny woman he first fell in love with, before he broke her heart. “Be happy,” she says. “I am,” he answers.  He is. It’s taken a long time, but he is finally ... content. He’s come to an acceptance of who he is, of his failings as well as his achievements. Daniel has had a lot to do with that.

Their love for their wives has helped shape who they are and how they love. They both owe them so much.

Daniel shifts a little, pushes one hand up under the pillow, tucks his face down and further into the soft cotton. The streetlight plays off the angles of Daniel’s face and he suddenly looks younger, more like the long-haired young man who somehow thawed Jack’s heart and gave him a reason to live.

He feels as though he’s loved this man forever.

The minutes tick by and Jack watches over him, hearing only Daniel’s soft exhalations in the familiar quiet of the house at night. Eventually, Jack yawns. It’s late. Daniel has a 5 a.m. start for a day of meetings at the Pentagon. Two months and counting until the program goes public. On Friday, he leaves for the Far East and a round of shuttle diplomacy with Government representatives. He’ll be away for ten days.

Jack will stay home, be there when Daniel calls exhausted and frustrated.  Jack meets with Top Brass tomorrow afternoon to iron out his role in the upcoming shenanigans. He’s supposed to be retired. He’ll never retire. He’ll never write that book.

Jack turns over and switches off the light. He settles back in, facing Daniel and breathes him in, enough to last ten days. Then he reaches out and places his right hand on Daniel’s chest, reassured by the steady heartbeat beneath his fingers, and lets sleep take him.

 

ends


End file.
